


Dare to Dream

by Madelief



Series: Mind Over Matter [4]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-20
Updated: 2017-01-20
Packaged: 2018-09-18 20:27:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9401705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madelief/pseuds/Madelief
Summary: This is based off a screenshot I took, right before you land on Mars and Shepard and Kaidan are standing next to each other. It really got me, and I'm pleased to finally have the chance to write out one alternative of what happened between my Caya Shepard and Kaidan. To me, it's the one moment they have alone from the moment of the Reaper invasion until they head out on Mars. So much must be going through their heads!





	

Shepard looks over her rifle for the hundredth time, running through the routine in her head to keep herself from blurting out something ridiculous. 

_Because he’s here. Really here._

She can't quite believe it.

Just like that, they are a team once more, working seamlessly without even a word or gesture to get things going. Kaidan had thrust a kit bag at her and issued a stream of orders to James as the three of them run onto the shuttle. She’d pulled on familiar armour, trusting Kaidan to get them to the right rendezvous point and loving him all over again for giving her the time she needed to marshal her wits. The shuttle abruptly leaps into life, Shepard holding out an arm to steady herself as she completes the routine spacesuit checks. 

That morning, Shepard had been morosely staring out of a window, pondering her many failures. Chafing at the bit for the disaster she knew was around the corner. Despairing of a chance to ever make things right with the one person who’d ever mattered. 

Only minutes ago she’d watched Earth burn. Her worst paranoid nightmares coming true, the Reapers swarming over the galaxy to eat alive every single organic creature, devouring all she holds sacrosanct. All she’s fought for her entire life, about to be wiped out. With no chance for her to say sorry. No chance to try and make things right again. 

 _......I couldn't bear it if I lost you again_.....

_Nor could I, Major Alenko._

The letter Kaidan sent her after the disastrous episode on Horizon is permanently imprinted on Shepard’s brain. His words of reprimand and apology replay in her mind on a constant basis, every time she squints down the scope of her rifle to take out another enemy, every time she slams her fist into another husk of humanity. 

It was, truly, Kaidan who had returned Shepard from the dead. Before, she’d been no better than the husks she killed without a second thought, an empty tool devoid of feeling. 

_He gives me life. He gives me hope. Or did, at least._

The whisper of promise Kadian had given her all those months ago was all that powered her through the Omega 4 relay, all that kept Shepard upright when the screams of the dying echoed through her head deep in the Collector base. She had to return, to tell him it was ok, that she still cared too. She’d never stopped. 

‘I did not die to see them succeed. I did not come all this _fucking_ way to be turned into Reaper juice! I have unfinished business dammit!’’ 

Belatedly she slams her mouth shut, hoping against hope that Kaidan doesn’t hear her mutterings over the roar of the engine. Because there he is, looking at her with the unspoken question in his eyes, rubbing the back of his neck in a spot which Shepard knows alleviates the pressure in his brain. Her fingers would do a far more effective job but things are still too raw for her to even countenance making the offer. 

Mutely, Shepard stares back, the crumbling universe and the monumental task given to them forgotten. The rattle of machines and radio chatter fades away. For a split second she’s simply Caya Shepard the woman, lonely, terrified and forever helplessly in love. She wants to reach out, to close the distance between them and reassure him, standing close enough to him to feel the heat of his skin, but far enough apart for regulations to be observed, just as she used to. Perhaps, this was her chance, even for a moment, to explain to him. To tell him she too, hadn’t forgotten. Never would forget. 

One glance into the russet eyes watching her back tells Shepard all she needs to know. They convey a tumult of emotions; hurt, anger, betrayal. But mainly fear and - is it suspicion? She’s never seen Kaidan watch her with a hint of hostility before. The foolish fancies she’s been weaving in her head all these months were, of course, a waste of time, disillusionment and disappointment nearly choking her. Kaidan only sees a Cerberus drone, bought back from beyond the grave to do the Illusive Man’s dirty work. 

It’s all too easy for Shepard to conveniently ignore the love, concern and genuine, incredulous joy behind Kaidan’s wariness. Her stupid pride and guilt won’t allow it, refusing to give an explanation as useless words stick in her throat. She involuntarily steps to one side and faces the door, the ice-cold of devastation snapping her back to reality. The reunion between Shepard and Kaidan, such as it is, has ended before it began, leaving nothing more than ashes in her mouth. 

Dimly she’s aware of Kaidan coming to stand next to her as Shepard retreats into the safety of her helmet, stuffing her unruly blonde braid out of the way as James’ voice barks over the com link. 

‘Twenty seconds to landing, Commander.’ 

The woman only Kaidan knows disappears, to be replaced by the grim, ruthless Commander everyone else wanted her to be. Grimly, Shepard runs her fingers over her equipment, final safety drills drummed into her as a recruit providing a measure of calm. She listens to EDI’s commentary on the layout, her clinical and precise mind rapidly processing the strategy. Commands fall from her lips as she senses Kaidan come to stand next to her, bracing herself against the shuttle shaking to a halt. 

‘Never one for a smooth landing are you, James?’ Shepard quips, firmly back in control of herself once more. ‘Get this door open and let’s find a way to kick the Reapers back where they came from.’ 

‘She’s about to leap out, when a sudden movement startles her, its absent intimacy at odds with the iron wall she’s convinced can never be breached. Kaidan tucks in a stray strand of blonde hair that’s escaped from her neck right before she finally seals her suit, Shepard frozen in place at the unexpected, gentle gesture. Kaidan too looks startled, backing away slightly to let Shepard take the lead out of the shuttle, the anonymous mask he has habitually worn slipping back into place. 

She blinks as her suit compresses, confusion reigning supreme. The hatch opens, with no time to process the completely left-field gesture of affection that she’d not been expecting. Fortunately, the immediacy of the present takes over, Mars’ ugly, dusty orange surface swimming into focus. One of the electrical storms Mars is famous for is whipping up in the distance, threatening the integrity of their comms channels. 

Thinking of anything but the mission will get her and her crew killed. She jumps out and hits the ground running, calling for Kaidan and James to join her as she scans ahead. Together they move forward, silently now lest they give themselves away needlessly to a merciless enemy. 

To her inward relief, the dedicated, professional soldier is back. There is no place for weakness in the midst of the end of the world, no room for dumb errors. She’d too many of those on her conscience already. But there’s no crushing the little flame of hope that’s sparked up once more, a little corner of warmth deep in Shepard’s otherwise empty soul _._

_He still cares! More than he wants to admit._

_Perhaps there’s something worth fighting for after all._


End file.
